Catatonia
by JadeWing
Summary: Fice years have passed since Syaoran left. (Yes, I'm actually using the Japanese names in this, just not the -kun and -chan stuff) He returns to find something he hadn't expected...Rated PG because it's too angst-y for anything else. Warning: VERY SAD


This is a fic that happened when I was tired and cranky and semi-depressed. it's pretty sad too, so if you want a funny fic then THIS IS NOT IT. isn't that weird? JadeWing actually wrote a depressing fic!  
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"Syaoran! It's for you!" My sister giggles evilly. "I think it's your giiiirrrrrrlllllfriend!"  
I shoot a glare at her and pick up the phone, subconsciously reaching out and picking up Sakura Bear. "Hello?"  
"Syaoran?" Sakura's shy voice is a little scratchy from the distance that separates us. "I'm sorry I was gone. Touya wasn't too thrilled that you'd called, but he'll have to get over it. What's the surprise you were talking about?"  
I take a deep breath. Five years. It's taken five years for me to do this. The elders fought my request. Mother was on my side, but even that didn't help. Mei Ling didn't even mind all that much. It had taken three years to convince the elders to let us dissolve the engagement. It had taken another two years for us to convince them to let me go. For me to leave without their permission was unthinkable, not to mention stupid. So I had to convince them. And now....now it's the moment I've thought about from the minute I'd gotten on the plane in Japan. "I'm coming back. To stay."  
There is silence on the other end of the phone; then it's broken by a sniffle.  
"Sakura?" I ask. "Are you okay?"  
There's no reply for a moment, and I grow worried. I'm about to ask if it was something I said when she whispers, "When?"  
"Three days," I say. "Thursday."  
"Oh God, Syaoran, I can't believe it!" she says suddenly. "You don't know how much I've missed you!"  
I laugh wearily. "Oh, I do. Trust me, I do."  
There's comfortable silence between us. In the movies, there's always been some kind of awkwardness between a couple, like they don't want to be with eachother. And in the movies no relationship ever lasts over the phone; I don't know why. Most people seem to have a need to fill the air with chatter when they're with the person they love, but we don't. Eight years have passed since we first met, and there isn't a need for words. Five of those years were spent over the phone and we've talked all we want to talk. Sakura's kept her promise and waited for me. Now I'm keeping mine.  
"I'll meet you at the airport," she says. "I've got my driver's license."  
"Okay." I smile, knowing that even over the phone she can tell. I know she's smiling at me too.  
"Get off the phone, monster." Touya's dry voice echoes in the background. "Dad needs to use the phone."  
I cringe inwardly, remembering the tone of his voice when he'd picked the phone up. I hadn't known he'd be back from college, and he hadn't known I'd be calling.   
"Sorry, Syaoran," she says. "I'll see you at the airport. Love you."  
"I love you too." There's a click as we both hang up, and I head back to my room.  
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It's three days later. My plane touches down with a thump and I clutch Sakura Bear with sweaty palms. After five years, I'm not sure how much either of us has changed. Sakura sounds different sometimes on the phone when we talk. High school was hard, especially for her. One of the hardest times was when a classmate of hers committed suicide. It was no one I knew, but Sakura had sat next to____ her in a class. The months spent in school have changed us both.  
Seeing the people near me rise, I get up and swing my bag over a shoulder, tucking Sakura Bear in a pocket. The cabin is small and I feel somewhat squished, but pay no attention. I'm going to see Sakura, and that's what counts.   
Soon I'm off, but Sakura is nowhere in sight. I shake my head affectionately; she must not have changed that much if she still couldn't be on time to save her life. After waiting fifteen minutes, I get my bag from the terminal and return to the gate. Another fifteen minutes passes, then half an hour, then an hour. At first I wonder whether it's actually Kero's fault that Sakura's late, but as the clock's hands go further worry starts to grow in me.   
"Mr. Li?"  
I look up, startled, at the uniformed employee. She hands me a slip of paper and I read it. The blood drains out of my face and I stand up as she says quickly, "We've arranged for a taxi to take you to the hospital."  
My voice doesn't work for a moment; then I manage to croak out, "Where?"  
"Come with me." The woman pulls over an empty shuttle and tells something to the driver. He nods and she gets on, motioning for me to join her. The noise fades in and out as I grip the handbar with a white-knuckled hold. Blurry faces rush past and someone's loud, obnoxious laughter rings in my ears long after it's out of my hearing range. How can they laugh? How can they smile at a time like this?  
Before I know it I'm in the taxi and it's rattling away. All that I can think about is Sakura. This can't be happening. It can't.  
We pull up to the hospital half an hour later. I leave my bags with the driver and run into the Emergency Room.  
"Can I help you?" A woman with deep lines etched into her face asks.  
"Kinomoto Sakura," I say numbly. "Where is she?"  
She winces and says, "How do you know her?"  
I give her a glare. "We've known eachother seven years. I'm her--" I choke at the word, but force myself to use it even though it doesn't even begin to describe our bond--"her boyfriend."  
She gives me a scrutinizing look and I meet it, trying to communicate the fact that I'm going to get to Sakura's room, whether she likes it or not. "Follow me."  
She turns and I follow, wishing she would go faster and asking, "What happened?"  
"Some drunk idiot ran a light and hit her." The nurse scowls and a tear gleams in her eye. "Sakura used to volunteer here, you know."  
"I didn't," I say numbly. "I was in Hong Kong for the last five years."  
"Oh, you're Syaoran Li," she says, shocked. "She always talked about you.... I'm--I'm so sorry..."  
"What do you mean?" I demand. "How bad is it?"  
"That-that idiot hit her side," she chokes out, turning a sharp corner. "She's bleeding internally, and they don't know--"  
"Know what?" I shout desperately. "Know if she'll make it?"  
"They don't know how long she's going to last."  
The nurse covers her face in her hands as I grab her by her shoulders and ask, "Which room is it?"  
"378," she says. "Turn right, then right again and left."  
I sprint down the hall, leaving her behind with a touch of guilt. The doors rush past as I dodge a rolling table full of bedpans and a young girl on a gurney. The number looms up and I slow down, then enter quietly.  
Sakura is lying on a stark white bed. She doesn't look real because of all the machines hooked into her. A steady beeping is the only noise that breaks the silence, other than her ragged breath. I pay no attention to Fujitaka or Touya and walk over, taking a hand. She doesn't move. A bandage hides half of her forehead as she sleeps. I stare at her, not willing to move.  
A hand on my shoulder makes me look up. It's Fujitaka.  
"What's wrong with her?" I ask.  
He blinks tears away. "It took them an hour to get her out of the wreckage. She's broken most of her ribs, and her right lung's punctured in several places. There was a cut on her forehead, and it hit a vein. She's lost too much blood, and--" Fujitaka can't continue.   
It's all I can do to nod. Watching her, I wonder if she's even still there. Her face is lined in pain, even in sleep, and I have to look down at the ground to keep from going insane.  
"Syaoran?" The hand in mine stirs feebly as my head jerks up. Sakura's eyes are barely open as the beeping of the heart monitor grows uneven.   
"I'm here," I whisper.  
"I'm sorry...I didn't ...come... get you," she says softly, smiling through her agony. "I...just...never can...be...on time."  
I do my best to smile back at her. "It's fine."  
"Syaoran?" she asks again. "Am....am I...going to...live?"  
I can't speak for a minute. Tears spring up in my eyes as I meet hers. There's pain and sadness in them, but the strength that made me love her more than anything: the hidden strength that was underneath her sunny personality and that made being a CardCaptor easier than it would have been for anyone else. I know I have to tell the truth, or she'll tell and she'll be hurt even more. "No," I admit, my voice breaking.  
"I...didn't think...so..." she says, still smiling gently. "Thank you...." She closes her eyes in pain and coughs weakly. I have to swallow hard and can only clutch her hand tighter until she stops. "I...love you, Syaoran."  
"I love you too, Sakura." She smiles at that, but then her eyes close. The hand in mine falls limp and the room is filled with the steady whine of the heart monitor. "No....no...." I stand up, still holding her hand tightly. "No...." I put my hand on her cold cheek, but there's no response. It really sinks in then. She's dead. My Sakura is gone. Fujitaka and Touya aren't doing anything but standing with tears running down their faces, but I can't do that. All my life there'd always been a way to solve everything. Magic could do anything. There was always something I could do to help the situation. There has to be something I could do, something I wasn't doing. It's my fault. If I'd done something--anything--this could have been prevented. It's my fault. All my fault. I could have done something. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"  
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I'm going insane. It's still my fault. It's my fault they're lowering Sakura into the hole now. That they're putting Sakura, my Sakura, in a box and dropping her into a hole in the ground. It's my fault.   
I can't stand funerals. They terrify me; the notion of going into a box and staying in the ground for the rest of my life is horrific. After my father's I swore never to attend one again, but this is different. If I hadn't gone to this, then it wouldn't be my fault Sakura is dead. People won't be able to see that. They won't know it's my fault. I don't know why exactly it is. It just is.  
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..."  
I stand by her grave, beside Tomoyo, Chiharu, and the rest of her closest friends. Behind us was the entire High School body. She'd touched so many people's lives it was amazing. The proof was that they are all here. Tomoyo and I are lucky to be so close...or at least that's what they say. My hands are shaking. My whole body is shaking. I'm cold, but I know I'm not sick. Life just seems not worth living now.   
Ironically, it's a beautiful day. The sky is blue and the cherry trees are blossoming, sending a shower of petals down around us. I see none of it except for the petals. Each one is a reminder of what I've lost.  
People are walking away now. Tomoyo tugs at my arm, but I can't move. All I can do is stare at the dark patch of earth where they've laid the greatest treasure the earth has known. She tries to get me away, but I brush her off. She eventually leaves me and I stay beside Sakura. It's my place. It's my only way to tell her I'm sorry. I know it's my fault.  
I lose track of time. The sun still shines, but I don't see how it can. The wind still blows, making the trees rustle, their leaves shimmering. Overhead, a small bird sings joyfully. I stare up at it, incensed. "Stop!"   
It pays no attention and goes on, singing as though it's happy Sakura is gone.   
"I SAID STOP!" Losing control of my magic, I blast raw power out at it. It falls to the ground, dead, and I stare at it in horror. It's a second life I've taken. The tears come and I cry at Sakura's side. I'll never leave.  
The sun sets. It's a new moon, so the sky appears empty other than the tiny pinpricks of light. The stars. How can they be there? Sakura is gone, but the world is still here. She was my world. How come I'm still here?  
Footsteps come closer and I tense, ready to do anything to protect Sakura even though she's gone.   
It's Touya. He comes up and grabs my elbow, hauling me to my feet. "Come on, kid. You can't stay here."  
"I can and I will." I turn back to Sakura. No matter what, I'll stay by her side.  
"You've got to let her go," he says blandly.   
"Don't you get it?" I ask him. "It's my fault! It's my fault that she's gone! Don't you hate me for it? You've got to hate me for it!" I face him now and grab his jacket. ÒI killed your sister! Don't you care?"  
He slaps me across the face. "Of course I care!" He yells harshly. Giving me a glare, he adds, "But it isn't your fault."  
I stare at the ground. "But-but there was something I wasn't doing...there had to be something I could have done!"  
"There wasn't." His eyes are full of unshed tears as he says, "There was nothing any of us could have done. If it's anyone's fault, it's the drunk driver. If he hadn't died I would have killed him myself, don't doubt it a minute. But Sakura needs you to let go, kid. She's saying...she's saying she's still going to be with you, but you have to let her go."  
My mind is racked with confusion. One half says Touya is right and that I have to let her go. Not to forget her, but to let her go. The other half is insists that if I let her go she'll never come back and that Touya's wrong. I can't decide and it starts to rip my mind apart. I want to scream, but I can't.   
White light shines in my head. It's gentle and soothing, and I see Sakura's silhouette. /Syaoran./  
/Sakura?/  
/Syaoran, you have to trust me./ A crystalline drop falls from her eye and lands in my hands. /It isn't your fault./  
/But.../  
/It isn't your fault,/ she repeats firmly. /Trust me. Let me go./  
The white light fades, and I open my eyes. Touya and Sakura are right. I am convinced. It isn't my fault, and I have to accept it. There wasn't anything I could have done, and I believe it. "Thank you, Sakura," I whisper. Something is in my hands. Unclenching my palm, I feel a tiny breeze, soft as a sigh, wash past. In my hand is a crystal drop, shaped like a tear. Inside is something white and misty.  
/I'll always be with you, Syaoran./   
I'm never going to stop missing her. I realize that. But something inside me says I have to move on.  
"Come on, kid." Touya starts down the hill, and I follow. Turning back, I make my last promise to her. /I'll never stop loving you, Sakura. I'll wait for you until the day I die./  
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All right everybody, this is what happens when JadeWing gets PMS. This was a lot harder to write than you'd think, because I didn't even write it out first. It was just an idea that's been nagging me for a while, and I just had to get it out. I know, it's really sad, but...well...that's the way life goes. Please R+R, cuz I just LOVE it when you do! A big fat MWAH out to all my reviewers-you guys rule!  



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